During life before cancer, I had a number of minor run ins with anxiety and depression. It started in my teens and continued into adulthood, but I never felt ill enough to seek help. When I eventually did ask for help in my 30's, the response was disappointing and ineffective. The thing that helped me get better the most, was getting to know myself. Over the years I developed a clearer picture of what life felt like when I was well, compared to when I wasn't. I stopped worrying about whether or not I met the clinical definition of depression, I mostly didn't, and focussed instead on recognising my own early warning signs. People don't go to the GP with the common cold, but they still acknowledge that they're feeling ill and usually take steps to help themselves feel better. I got the mental health equivalent of a "common cold" far too often and spent far too many days feeling awful. But once I learnt some good self care strategies, these mental health "colds" became easier to manage.
Life, when I'm mentally well, is full of colour. My range of emotions is like a paint palette and that palette is complete and bright and vivid. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, the emotions were overwhelming and unpredictable. The black of sadness would wash over me one minute, the deep blue of fear would consume me in another. The emotions were intense and they crashed into me like giant waves that took my breath away. But all I had to do was acknowledge the feeling and let it pass and when I did, my full paint palette of emotions was waiting for me, vivid and bright. It was during these waves of sadness and fear that I defined depression for myself. I realised that I didn't feel depressed and that surprised me. Its not the intensity or the duration of the sadness that defines depression for me, but whether or not I can still feel the other emotions. What the rest of the paint palette looks like is key. When I'm depressed, the black of sadness contaminates all the other colours, the whole paint palette turns a murky grey. I struggle to feel any other emotions alongside the sadness and the sadness feels, invalid, like its there without an explanation or cause.
I made a decision in the early weeks of cancer, that I would embrace the emotional rollercoaster of the cancer journey. As my medical team fought for my physical health, I would prioritise my mental health. I didn't mind the intensity of the emotions I felt, I was just pleased that I had a complete paint palette to experience life with. Somehow, I got through all the cancer treatment without any periods of mental ill health. I had been warned many times, that the end of treatment is a tricky time mentally and so I readied myself for this transition. I waited for the feelings of abandonment by my medical team and the anxiety about my future health to descend, but they didn't. I started a blog, specifically to help myself with this transition. I felt, that whatever this transition was going to throw at me, I was ready.
For the first few weeks I was doing well; frustrations, set backs and milestones all came to pass with the accompanying anger, grief, fear, pride and relief. Through it all, my paint palette remained complete; hurling the vivid, colourful emotions at me and then settling back down to the familiar rainbow. Undramatically, life edged back towards an old normal and slowly old tensions resurfaced at home. Yesterday, after a minor argument, I was feeling very sad. I noticed my sadness was all consuming, my whole paint palette was turning grey. I struggled to feel the other emotions, I couldn't see the other colours. I still feel grey today. There is no intense black sadness, but I'm undeniably sad and I don't know why. I spent a big chunk of yesterday in bed and then stayed in bed again this morning. The fatigue I'm feeling is more in my mind than my body. Its frustrating to experience an uncomfortable emotion without an obvious cause and so I have a tendency to try and "work out" why I'm feeling sad. This is a bad idea. The problem with looking for a cause for sadness, is you begin to mentally list all the shit things in your life... this is not very conducive to getting better!
I have a few theories on what is causing the current sadness, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm going to try and focus my energy on self help. Last night, just before bed, I checked the weather for today and I saw that it was due for rain, ALL DAY. I knew I needed to get out of the house and I knew I was going to struggle to do so. So just before bed, I booked theatre tickets for a children's play that was showing today. I gave myself a reason to get out of bed and it worked. I got out of bed, eventually, and we went to see the show. It was good and I felt a bit better. In the morning, my whole paint palette was dark grey, but during the show and after, there was less grey contaminating the other colours.
I'm not quite there yet. My self esteem is a little low right now and I'm desperately trying to think of an uplifting ending to this blog post! But I know I'll get there. I'm actively putting into practise what I've learnt about myself. I'm talking, I'm writing, I'm forgiving and I'm doing. I know that with my knowledge of myself and the right self care, I will shake off this cold.
