It’s the summer holidays 2019.
I’ve made it through a whole school year.
Woohoo. 🥳
When I started the school year I was fresh out of radiotherapy, almost bald, and exhausted. I was super nervous about starting my new teaching job worried hat I wouldn’t cope physically or emotionally after such a gruelling year.
Over this academic year, my hair has grown, my periods came back, my fitness improved and my confidence at work grew.
Making it to the end of the academic year was quite a milestone. I was so excited to have a whole summer holiday stretched out before me and the good health to really enjoy it.
Last st summer was awesome, despite the fatigue and the interruptions for treatments and appointments I packed in loads of memorable family time including two holidays. This summer holiday was all set up to be an even greater success.
I don’t feel very successful though. I’m half way through and I’m wondering if indeed I’m doing this summer holiday all wrong. I feel like I enjoyed last summer more and this is really bothering me.
Last summer I was feeling elated to be finished chemotherapy and surgery and to have had fairly positive pathology results. I was living in the moment and full of joy. Each sunny walk, each trip somewhere new, each afternoon in the garden, felt awesome. Last summer felt like the light and the end of my chemotherapy tunnel.
This year the joy isn’t so overwhelmingly bright. Fun days are punctuated frequently with boring jobs, or thinking about boring jobs, or worrying that I’m not doing enough boring jobs, or worrying that I’m not prioritising the right jobs, or worrying that I’m taking too much time away from the kids or worrying that I’m spending too much time worrying. 🙈
I wonder why last summer felt better, and then I remember, I was in a sort of post trauma euphoria. Of course the bright was brighter last summer, it was the sun after the biggest storm of my life.
But there have been fun days this summer, plenty of them and there are plenty more planned. This summer is good enough.
This summer I have found myself thinking about cancer when I want to be treasuring every minute with the kids. I have found myself getting sucked into wondering how many more summer holidays I will be alive for then feeling sad and teary. I have found myself wanting time to myself, then feeling guilty, like I’m being a bad mother wasting precious time that I could be spending with my kids.
I‘ve been reflecting on this guilt. This self imposed target to live my best life so that if I need to leave early, I do so with no regrets. This attitude got me through my first summer, I threw myself into making lots of happy memories and that’s what I remember most about summer 2018. But if I think harder, I remember that I also cried myself to sleep most night’s. I remember that I couldn’t face making plans more than 6 months ahead.
I don’t know why I’ve decided that it’s time I got over the whole cancer thing. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but where I used to allow myself the sad and scared moments, I now berate myself for them. I don’t know when living my best life with no regrets morphed into needing to spend every minute engaged in meaningful activities and feeling resentful about time “wasted” on chores or rest.
There was only only one thing that I truly did better last summer and that was self care. I was so focused on looking after myself that I rested when I needed to without guilt. I did what I could and didn’t feel much guilt about what I couldn’t manage.
This summer I’ve got a bit sad and I’ve got a bit scared, but I’ve been getting sad and scared during my unstructured time for 18 months now. Maybe I need to stop expecting that to go away and accept it as a permanent part of life after cancer.
I have found myself stressing recently about new symptoms that are taking an age to be investigated. I’m breathless, dizzy, tired and I’m experiencing frequent heart palpitations. It’s possible that these symptoms are indications of damage to my heart as all three of my cancer treatments can cause heart damage. I’ve lost my confidence to exercise which means I’ve given up some of my social fitness activities that I enjoyed. I‘m also very anxious about what this could mean for my future health.
I’ve been really hard on myself about stopping running and pole dance. Thinking that I’m a coward, a worrier or just lazy. I’ve also felt guilty about how much head space I’m giving these new health worries.
I need to be kinder to myself though. I know from last year that when new limitations hit and you lose something you enjoyed, there is a sort of grieving period, when you’re frustrated and angry and sad. After that it helps to focus on why you loved that activity and find new alternatives to meet some of the needs that were being met and now aren’t. For example, I’m too scared to exercise much at the moment, this impacts on my opportunities for fitness, me time and being sociable. I haven‘t made replacing these positives a priority.
I also know that waiting for appointments and answers about health concerns is very stressful. Just because it’s my heart and not cancer doesn’t make it any less stressful.
I have developed a loathing for Thursday’s this year. Thursday’s were my rest day, an unstructured day with nothing planned. Almost every Thursday I ended up thinking about cancer, wallowing in self pity, and crying. This unpleasant habit has ultimately been quite useful in resetting my emotions. It just isn’t possible in the school holidays when you’re mum 24-7. I suspect this lack of me time is one reason why I’ve been struggling with anxious thoughts popping up at inopportune moments.
So I’ve decided...
It’s ok that I’m worried about cancer.
Its ok that I’m worried about my heart.
Its ok that I want time to myself sometimes.
It’s ok that I miss running and pole.
It‘s not ok to feel guilty all the time.
Maybe I need to stop aiming to live my best life every minute of everyday. I do seize opportunities to make happy memories and I do Iive according to my values; this is good enough.
I bet this time next year, I’ll be reflecting on summer 2019 as an awesome summer packed with happiness and I’ll have forgotten all about the quiet moments when the guilt and fear crept in.
