How to write a blog when feeling sad.

I can’t be inspirational right now, I’m in need of inspiration.

I can’t be motivational to others, I’m struggling to motivate myself.

I can’t instill hope, I feel hopeless.

I can’t be brave, I’m constantly anxious.

I don‘t want to be open and honest, I’m ashamed of what I have to show.

I’m working hard on being kinder to myself at the moment. Good mental health takes just as much hard work and perserverance as good physical health.

Being a non smoker, who rarely drank, maintained a healthy BMI, exercised regularly, ate some healthy food, had no family history of breast cancer and was under 40, didn’t stop me from getting breast cancer.

So too, prioritising my emotional health, seeing a counsellor regularly, talking about my feelings, getting to know my mental health needs, finishing treatment and becoming fitter physically has not prevented me from struggling with anxiety and depression.

I can’t even blame the cancer. The vast majority of my anxiety has nothing to do with fears of reoccurrence, it much more mundane and commonplace than that. I am worrying about my place in this world. Am I a good enough mother, wife, teacher, daughter, friend? Am I valued and respected? Am I liked as well as loved?

The truth is, I liked myself more when I was ill than I do right now. When I was ill I didn’t measure myself against other people all the time. I didn’t worry as much about how other people saw me. Today however, I very much am measuring myself and I feel I’m falling short.

I led quite a healthy life before cancer but when I became ill I worked harder at it and now I’m even healthier. I was already practising good emotional wellbeing before this current mental health wobble, but I know there’s more I can do and I’m determined to do it. I want to be as healthy as I can be mentally and physically.

Constantly judging myself is not a healthy habit so I’m trying to replace this self sabotage with more positive behaviours.

I‘m trying to praise myself for all the little wins. I’m trying to forgive myself all the little fails.

I’m trying to accept that I’m enough just the way I am.

Its mental health awareness week and my mental health is not great right now, but it’s moving in the right direction. It’s hard to write a blog when there’s nothing about yourself that you want to share. But I’m hoping, I will feel lighter for sharing my truth, I will feel less ashamed of my shortcomings when they’re no longer guilty secrets. Maybe this blog will reach someone who is struggling and they will feel less alone.

Its OK not to be OK.