When I was a little girl, aged 11, my art teacher set us a homework to draw a picture of who we wanted to be when we grew up; I drew a teacher. When my undergraduate studies neared their end and my professor asked us what we planned to do next; I invoked obvious disappointment by announcing I was training to be a teacher. For the last 19 years, if I ever needed to describe myself, teacher would be central to the description. Ever since I started my PGCE in 1999, "teacher" has been a significant part of my identity.
Throughout my teaching career I’ve been a very reflective practitioner. It is a habit which is encouraged in teacher training and in professional development. My reflections, however, have usually come with a large side order of guilt. Self flagulation and low self esteem are epidemic in school staffrooms and so my own misery, throughout my career, had plenty of company.
Cancer treatment isn't my first teaching career break. I took a year away from teaching when I was 21, after a nasty experience with a bullying colleague knocked my confidence. I also took time off for each of my children.
This is not the first time my teaching role has significantly changed either. I’ve taught in secondary schools, a middle school, primary schools, a pre school, pupil referral units and I taught 0-5 year olds as a childminder.
One thing that has been ever present in all these varied teaching roles, no matter how much positive feedback I received, is professional guilt.
Over the last year, I’ve had significant amounts of emotional therapeutic counselling. I started counselling to cope with a strained relationship, but I discovered along the way a strained relationship with a number of my own emotions. I was very lucky that I had the counselling when I did, as not long after I began to feel stronger, I was hit by the emotional tsunami that is a cancer diagnosis!
The counselling has helped me and continues to help me through this cancer journey; but what I didn’t expect, was that it would also impact on me professionally.
A month ago I returned to a new teaching role after 9 months off for treatment. My role is different to the one I left, I’m confident I have the skills and experience to make it work and I’m enjoying it so far; but I’m still feeling my way a little and sussing out the role.
I‘ve taught most of my groups 3 or 4 times now and on reflection not many of the lessons have gone as well as they could have. The students haven’t made as much progress as I would have liked. I have very high standards and I’ve not yet met them. BUT, and here’s what has changed significantly, I don’t feel guilty! Not one little bit.
I have planned each and every lesson based on my best guess of what would work. I used my extensive teaching experience and my limited knowledge of the children to inform my strategy. Each time something doesn’t work, I have a bit more information to inform the next plan. I’m actually finding it kind of exciting, like a riddle that needs solving. Reflecting without guilt is a liberating experience and one that is allowing me to love the job without it consuming me.
I have my first supervision in a week’s time and I’m hoping that I’ll solve the riddle by then! But whatever happens, I am determined teaching will remain a guilt-free zone.
