I‘m 7 weeks on from the end of radiotherapy. As the impact of side effects have lessened I‘ve felt an uneasy pressure to get “back to normal”. I believe there is an expectation that I complete the same chores, eat the same food, weigh the same weight and generally live the same life as the one I had before cancer.
I understand returning to an old familiar routine is comforting for some, but for me, looking back is not comforting. It forces me to remember; to compare and contrast then with now. So I choose not to look back, I choose to look forward instead. I choose to focus on what I would like life to look like now.
I thought this approach would be liberating, but sometimes it feels overwhelming. You see, I have an unsettling amount of choice now. Life before cancer was trundling along in a predictable routine. Life with cancer, had its own set of rules to live by. Life after cancer, has endless possibilities, but limited resources! I am fatigued, I am scarred and I have an uncertain future.
What do I want my life to be like, post cancer? I want to be the mother that my children didn’t get when I was poorly and the wife that my husband didn’t get. I want to work hard to regain the fitness and strength that I’ve lost. I want to engage with my favourite hobbies and spend time with my friends. I want to move forward in my career and make a difference in the lives of the children I work with. I want to fill my life to the brim with meaningful experiences and I want the chance to rest, to feel calmness and stillness. I want to feel all the emotions, good and bad. I want to connect with all the people I love, to understand them and have them understand me. I definitely don’t want to “pass the time”, I feel an absolute urgency to live life well, now, just in case I don’t get a retirement.
I want to do all this, but; I have fluctuating moods, low energy, poor concentration and I haven’t yet discovered the secret of time travel! There are only so many useful hours in a day, and so: dishes have stayed unwashed, school work has been completed below par, kids have had too much screen time, meals have been prepared from boxes and packets and ”couple time” has involved me falling asleep on the sofa.
In my heart I know this is normal and I know this was true before cancer. I know most of the pressure to be the perfect me is coming from me! Still, I don’t want to live with perpetual feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I want to be living life, not stuck, paralysed by indecision each morning.
So I’ve used my well being tool kit.
Step 1. Bin the guilt. F*cking useless emotion.
Step 2. Talk it through. My fabulous husband has reassured me countless times that he doesn’t see me the way I think he does. Sometimes I even believe him!
Step 3. Help myself. Do something positive to tackle to problem. In this case my main problem is guilt and indecision about how best to spend my time.
I finally tackled this problem yesterday. I wrote myself a timetable. All the waking hours are accounted for, some is fun and some is not. There is a workable balance of career, chores, fitness, rest, couple time and family time. It is the exact opposite of freedom and yet it is freeing me from the burden of limitless choices. I have a plan and my plan is so very comforting.
Sticking to the plan is unimportant, if something better or more important comes along on a given day, things will have to change. But the plan reminds me that I’m not superwoman, if I have a 3 hour hospital visit and don’t get the washing up done as a result, I’m not a bad wife. If my lessons are planned and resourced, but I went to bed before I got the chance to write a detailed lesson plan, that too is ok. Life doesn’t have limitless hours and work shouldn’t fill all the hours that are there.
If I wake up wracked with anxiety tomorrow, that I’m not living my best life, that I’m not all things to all people, that I’m not making the most of this second chance at life; my timetable will tell me that I am enough. I’m hoping my timetable will give me back my inner calm. I have no desire to get “back to normal", but I as I settle into my post-cancer, back to work routine; I’m excited about going “forward to normal”.
What are your top tips for silencing your inner critic and finding balance in your life? Let me know in the comments.
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