I‘m asked on a fairly regular basis (with the obligatory head tilt), “how are you doing?” The honest answer to that question is very changeable. Some days I’m great; some days I’m less great.
The most obvious lasting side effect I’m still experiencing is fatigue. Chronic fatigue is bloody annoying; it is boring, irritating, inconvenient and relentless. I frequently find myself exhausted, fed up, bad tempered and teary. I‘m also getting cycles of physical and mental anxiety symptoms, seemingly unconnected to any conscious worries I have, which I believe are side effects of my one remaining cancer drug.
The rather obvious problem with chronic illness is, it doesn’t go away! So, despite my current symptoms having a minor impact on my life in comparison to active treatment, I find it extremely tedious. I find myself not wanting to blog about fatigue, for fear of repetition; but equally, it’s the one thing I most need to get off my chest.
I’m learning where my fatigue limits lie. I’m learning I can push through it in the short term, with relative ease, to work late or enjoy an evening out, but the fatigue debt must be paid back sooner rather than later.
I work part time at the moment, on a Tuesday and Wednesday. On my weekly life timetable, Thursday is scheduled as a rest day. During my rest days I have been sitting down, feet up on the sofa, whittling away the hours doing online shopping and general life admin. The 2:45pm school run has always come by alarmingly quickly and when I reflect on my “wasted” day I become very frustrated with myself. I wonder why and how, after doing so little with my day, am I MORE fatigued than ever. This Thursday past, I was completely unable to form a coherent sentence at 8:30pm, slurring and muddling my words like a drunkard. It is slowly dawning on me that it is my brain not my body that is fatigued, and that maybe more sleep not more screens is the answer. It is so hard though, when there is so much to be done each day, to simply stop doing and sleep instead.
The hardest part of fatigue for me is the way it effects my self esteem. The larger the gap between my expectations of myself and my reality, the more ashamed I feel. I berate myself most Thursdays for not completing any housework, for not getting ahead on my school work, for not feeling refreshed and energised for the kids after “resting” all day. But although I haven’t found the antidote to fatigue yet, I have found the antidote to low self esteem and that is personal growth.
While fatigue makes my life seem limited and miserable, personal growth makes my life seem limitless and joyous. Personal growth is about getting to know yourself and then embracing change. 2017 was a great year for me, yes it was the year I got cancer, but it was also a year of enormous personal growth.
2017 was the year that I discovered what my fears are and learnt to overcome them; it was the year I defined my core values and applied them to my life; it was the year I fell back in love with my husband and laid solid foundations for keeping it that way; it was the year I improved my diet and exercise norms; it was the year I got to feel beautiful in my own skin; it was the year I made new friends; it was the year I discovered love and thoughtfulness in my local community; and it was a year packed full of happy family memories.
I’m currently working on more personal growth and happy memories for 2018. I have a holiday booked for my husband’s 40th in February and I’m running my first half marathon in March. My herceptin injections end in March too, marking the end of my cancer treatment and I love the idea of ending my treatment physically stronger than I was when I started. At 1 stone lighter and back to my pre-treatment 5k parkrun times, I’m well on my way to achieving this goal. But life is not predictable and I am all too aware that circumstances can rapidly change.
I am looking forward to 2018; to achieving my half marathon and to finding out if this fatigue lifts when the herceptin ends. I worry too, as all cancer patients surely do. What will my first mammogram show? Will the cancer spread? Will all my new cancer friends have positive outcomes? Will my family back home have good health, or will recent health scares be the start of more hard times? I worry, but, I truly believe in my heart that personal growth can occur through any circumstances. No matter what life throws at me in the future, I believe I will continue to live well, through pain if I must. My goals may change, some I will achieve and others I won’t, but the values I hold dear will underpin my life. 2017 has brought me a very strong sense of self and now that I’ve found me, I‘m going to love me, through all the highs and lows.
P.S. Here is the link for my half marathon fundraising page. I’m raising money for the fabulous Maggie’s Cheltenham. Please support if you’re able to.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/katcross
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