Is it time to be reckless?

I’m a good girl, I always have been.

I was a school prefect.

I was always picked to buddy the new girl.

I stuck to the rules.

I played nice.

I didn’t smoke or do drugs.

As I grew up and left home, I relaxed a little. I got drunk with friends, had a blast. I was late for a few lectures, made a few interesting choices... but on the whole I was still a fairly sensible young adult.

When I had my own family, I felt I lived a fairly healthy life. We ate vegetables with every meal - although sometimes we didnt quite hit 5 a day. I maintained a healthy BMI. I did fitness stuff 2-3 times a week. I drank the occasional glass of wine with dinner and partied with friends maybe twice a year. I cooked with coconut oil after watching the panorama report on carcinogenic cooking oils. I ate ham and bacon sparingly.... BUT I still got cancer. I got it at a statistically unlikely young age, despite not having a single risk factor.

During treatment I was determined to do everything I could to aid my recovery. My research led me to the conclusion that lifestyle changes could statisticallay increase my odds of surviving this cancer and avoiding a recurrance in the future.

I redoubled my efforts to eat at least 5 a day.

I tried to stay as active as I could during treatment and after.

I stopped eating any meats with nitrites - bacon, ham, salami etc.

I stopped eating the red meats with the most haem in them altogether and ate the moderately haem loaded meats sparingly.

I stopped using air fresheners.

I stopped drinking alcohol.

I felt really happy and proud of my choices. I felt a little smug if I’m honest. I believed I was doing everything I could to give myself the best possible chance of survival and that in turn gave me a sense of control.

Now though, it is dawning on me that forever is a long time to fight. I miss some of the things I’ve given up and I’m only giving them up because I’m still fighting the cancer. There was room for improvement in my pre-cancer lifestyle, but I was probably healthy enough. I was probably in the 77% of people whose breast cancer was unpreventable with lifestyle choices.

I‘m glad I’m a stone lighter and I’ve lost some of the chub around my middle that I hated. I’m glad I’m getting back into the swing of running regularly and that my parkrun times are now better than pre-diagnosis. I don’t miss bacon and ham much and I’ve found a nitrite free brand for when I really fancy some...

But I do miss alcohol and I do miss red meat. Quite a lot more than I thought I would.

I know these things aren’t healthy. There is no physical health benefit to reintroducing them to my diet. I still want them though and the only thing stopping me is fear.

I‘ve given up many more of my favourite foods than just these things. I have IBS too which worsened during chemo. I found a medically approved diet that helped and I’ve kept it going since finishing treatment because it manages my IBS really well. Onions, garlic, gluten, beans, peas, cashew nuts, large amounts of lactose or fructose are all out. These restrictions are much more troublesome than giving up red meat and alcohol.

There is a huge difference mentally though between my IBS restrictions and my cancer ones. My IBS diet is a daily choice with immediate consequences. I’m not scared of eating things on the list, I know exactly what the consequences will be if I eat these things and I usually decide that the meal isn’t worth it. It’s a choice that is annoying but made freely.

My choice not to drink alcohol or eat red meat doesn’t feel the same, the consequences are unknown, the decision each time reminds me of the cancer and puts me back in the mindset of a victim. Small amounts of these foods linked to cancer probably won’t cause me any harm... but my anxiety can’t help but worry that they might just kill me! I am scared.

It is fear, not health, that is my main motivating factor for these diet changes and I’m sick of living in fear. I want to enjoy an occasional steak with my husband. I want to let my hair down, get drunk and go dancing once in a while. These look like reasonable behaviours for a 40 year old, it doesn’t look reckless. But it feels reckless, it feels risky; what if I get drunk, my cancer comes back and it’s all my own fault?

I wish I could return to a moderately healthy lifestyle without panicing. I want to get drunk with my friends. I’m going on holiday next week with just the girls. I want to get drunk on holiday. Not rolling around in the gutter drunk, not puking the next morning drunk. (I’ve had enough hangovers during chemo to last a lifetime.) No, I just want to feel tipsy; to feel young, fun, and free again.

Seems simple doesnt it? Yet just thinking about drinking alcohol, makes me a bit panicky, then I notice the panic and I feel teary that cancer has robbed me of something fun.

I think it is now time to be a little reckless. I think my mental heath would benefit from being a little more relaxed about my physical health. I will still work hard at maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but it’s time to let the standards slip and to feel like me again.

So here’s to trying to be less of a good girl!

Wish me luck.

Cheers.