In November 2018 I set myself a target. My aim was to finish cancer treatment stronger than I had been when I started it. I desperately wanted to prove to myself that life after cancer didn't have to be a diminished life; life could be more, I could be more. Having steadily increased my cardiovascular fitness to a point where I could run continuously for 5km, I set my sights on running a half marathon. A half marathon is 20km, double the furthest distance I have ran before. I assumed that if I achieved this in the month that treatment finished I would "prove" to myself that I was stronger and fitter than I had ever been. I eagerly anticipated emerging from my 15 months of treatment like a phoenix from the flames.
This weekend I reached an important milestone in my training. I ran continuously for 10km, 10.8km to be exact, half way to my 20km target. After the run it occurred to me that I had just completed the furthest distance of my life; having previously run one 10km race in 2004, 2015 and 2016. I'm pleased with my progress, but I don't feel at my strongest yet; I don't feel very phoenix like! It seems I was naive to think this one achievement would testify to a complete recovery, strength manifests in myriad ways.
Before treatment I enjoyed regular yoga and pole lessons; my flexibility, balance and upper body strength were continuously improving, albeit slowly. I measured my achievements against a catalog of moves increasing in difficulty. Since treatment, I have returned to classes only sporadically and unsurprisingly I am significantly less flexible, less well balanced and weaker than I was before.
Before treatment I would get tired in the evenings, I would often fall asleep on the sofa long before it was time to go to bed. Sometimes I would put off doing my lesson planning so I could watch TV with my husband and then I'd find myself working well into the night to catch up. These days I find myself not only falling asleep on the sofa but also falling asleep in the staffroom at 5pm, struggling to keep my eyes open long enough to mark a handful of books! Despite only working 2 days a week, a day of teaching requires half a day of rest to recover.
Before treatment after I ran a Saturday morning parkrun I would feel energised and eager to get my family out of the house. Today when I get home from parkrun I could sleep for hours. I used to run a 6.1min/km pace; now its 6.9 min/km. Despite this weekend's running achievement, I don't feel stronger than I was before treatment yet; but I do feel stronger than yesterday and I'm certain I will be stronger still tomorrow!
One of the treatments that I've had for my Her 2+ breast cancer is the biological therapy Herceptin. This drug is known to damage heart tissue and so patients have their heart checked before starting the drug and regularly throughout treatment. My baseline line heart ejection fraction was well within the healthy range, but after my first few doses, I was told that my heart function had decreased enough to warrant closer monitoring. At this point in time I was just finished chemo and felt extremely weak. I'd just started the couch to 5 km app and was struggling to catch my breath on a 90 second run with regular heart palpitations and dizzy spells. Knowing that my heart was compromised really knocked my confidence as I took my first steps towards regaining my fitness. But hearts don't recover by sitting around eating doughnuts, so I took medical advice and tentatively continued with the running. This weekend, 7 months after being told my heart health was worrying, I was given the news that my heart function is back up to my original numbers. Despite the margin of error inherent in these types of results, these numbers felt significant. I'm still taking Herceptin and so being officially back to my baseline heart health is a huge step towards my fitter and stronger goal.
I have been learning some new language on the Maggie's "Where Now" course. I have discovered that I am currently in the "convalescence" stage of my recovery. Convalescence is the stage where you "grow stronger" physically and emotionally. After convalescence comes rehabilitation, which is the stage where you regain old skills, learn new ones and reshape your new life. I've jumped the gun slightly and started to rehabilitate before completing my convalescence. I have returned to work and resumed household duties. Now that I understand the stages of recovery and the importance of convalescence, I plan to be kinder to myself. Life cannot be paused indefinitely, but the process of rehabilitation (attempting to regain old skills and take on old responsibilities) will continue to feel like two steps forward and one step back while I am still actively convalescing (re-building emotional and physical strength).
Through understanding the recovery stages and meeting others at a similar stage in their recovery, I'm feeling less guilty about "still" being on a phased return at work and "still" requiring my husband to shoulder more than an equal share of the work at home. Instead of guilt, I'm simply grateful that I have an amazing support network at work and at home. I'm not expecting to see myself rise like a phoenix on the last day of my biological therapy in March, nor do I expect to be "stronger than ever" two weeks later at my half marathon. I am growing stronger day by day and that's enough, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
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